I’m well aware of the fact that abortion has their circumstances where they are necessary, and that it will always exist and should therefore be performed as safely as possible without risk towards the mother, as with unregulated back alley or coat hanger abortions. The problem I have, however, is against the inconsistencies and disingenuous attitude towards abortion itself, as with how we deal with the ”concept of conception”. Fundamentally, the abortion issue is about the fact that we’re choosing to terminate a person in order to make our lives easier. But we won’t admit it to ourselves, so we rationalize it in order to convince us that it’s ok;

We go to health and empathy – ”It would be ’easier’ or ’better’ for the child if it didn’t live, so it wouldn’t have to deal with the hardships that comes with having down’s syndrome, a poor upbringing, unfit parents or growing up in foster care.” But this argument fails when these dispositions are in no legitimate way deciding the child’s inherent right to a chance for a full and developing life. We cannot decide that, it’s borderline eugenics disguised as a health problem. What we’re really doing is implying that it would be better if children or adults who’s had these dispositions, which includes, me, alot of my friends and family, never actually deserved the chance to live from the start. That it would be better had we died before we could succeed and that the world doesn’t deserve the love and unique ideas and perspectives this child could’ve shared with the rest of the world had it been given the chance;

We go to technicalities – ”There’s a point when life actually becomes life, so life hasn’t begun yet by the time of the abortion.” But that argument fails when our definition of ”life” varies from moment to moment. We cannot call an embryo or a fetus under development (which is a human person’s first developmental stage followed by infant, toddler, teenager, adult, senior etc) ”a lump of cells” while refer to bacteria on Mars as life. Life is just that, organic potential, and we cannot choose to define life based on convenience. What we’re really doing is lying to ourselves to make our decisions easier to cope with, by convincing ourselves that it’s a medical procedure so we don’t feel any guilt for terminating children or responsibility for having unsafe sex. This doesn’t make anyone a bad person, it just makes them a normal person that’s being lied to or manipulated by semantics;

We go to rights – ”It’s about the woman’s right to her own body, and therefore it is her choice, and it stands to reason that obviously a woman should have full control of her own body.” No one in their right mind would oppose this. But that argument fails when the child’s body isn’t the same as the mother’s body. In no other animal kingdom or any biological sense do we view a fetus as the same individual animal as the carrier. It is its own, seperate, individual lifeform. What we’re really doing is actively associating pro-life sentiments with anti-women sentiments to make it political, when they aren’t the least bit related to eachother, not by any stretch of the imagination.

We then deprive the world of a person who would’ve affected hundreds, if not thousands or millions of lives, directly or indirectly, with their light and presence… because it would be ”better for the child”. Excuse me, but that’s not up to you and either of us have no right deciding the child’s right to live. It’s not about women’s rights, it’s not about what’s best for the child and it’s not about how we define life… it’s about the lack of responsibility, the easiest way out and normalized dehumanization for political gain.

It’s about some of your closest friends, who grew up in shit home circumstances and with medical difficulties, and grew up to become some of the funniest, most sincere, loving and honest people you’ve ever known. The unwanteds. You know… that one or two loveable friends of yours whom you believe never deserved the chance to live?

He got the diagnose just under a week ago. This is the kind of thing that makes me think that nuh-uh… I only have one life. And a chance that life might be shorter thant others, and basically be over a few years before my heart even stops beating. So I cannot afford to not see every day as a gift. And for once in my life actually focus on myself for real and just not so much focus on what people think of me or my decisions. Because let’s face it, you only have the time you have, and your freedom to explore this rock and its wonders. And Marcus, my beloved Husky that I’m getting home in three weeks, will follow me everywhere. So whenever I do get Alzheimers, if ever, I’m just gonna sit and stare at my hexabytes of storage with memories from between 2004 to 2050 and just remind myself that everything is fine and I have no regrets.

But this post isn’t really about that. I’ve already accepted that I’m going to die. We all are. And I’ve accepted my dad’s diagnose, not that it was surprising from the start but… one could still hope, right? That being said, unless it hasn’t been too obvious as of late, I did try psilocybin in Amsterdam about a month ago. A lot of the insights I’ve had about my perspectives around life and what I value in life, especially after everything that’s been happening, and how most of it has actually been my own fault, came from that trip. I have always been interested in its potential therapeutic capabilities, like opening up new perspectives and treating people, especially soldiers with PTSD, or the terminally ill with death anxiety. Never in my life did I suspect that it would change my life this profoundly. This is legit the absolute first time I’m really trying to take care of my own shit, because I’ve always been focused on others. I mean, if everyone else is fine, I’m good. Right? But to actually enjoy one’s own company like this because you’ve finally stopped lying to yourself about what’s ok and what’s not, and treating yourself like you actually gave a fuck? Not about what I want, but what I need?

I have always had a pretty decent self-image, like how I feel about myself as a person. I’ve always been good at rationalizing stuff. But I’ve always had absolute shit confidence. At least not sober. And if you’re good at rationalizing, it’s very easy to manipulate yourself. And a lot of the things I’ve learned about myself lately has made much of it make sense, and that maybe I haven’t been as crazy about certain things in the world as I first might have thought myself to be. Everyone makes mistake, and you learn, accept and move forward. I haven’t talked alot about all of this, but I can definitely say that this year started out as the absolute worst year of my life. Especially the past spring and summer. But after everything that’s happened lately, after finally feeling like I have a direction, a purpose, after my decision to get Marcus and after everyone who has helped me so much that I’ve gained a genuine love for humanities’ potential for goodness after everything I’ve experienced… and what I’ve been able to prove to myself, this year hasn’t only turned into my life’s best, but also my life’s most important. And I’ll do whatever it takes to not have to bend to someone else’s will if they don’t have my best interests at heart, like I’ve done my entire fucking life, and try to make every day count!

I’m still, to this day, processing stuff from my trip. It’s hard to explain… you know when you have like a revelation and four things in your life suddenly make sense? I’ve had like five of those, each explaining their own four scenarios in my life. Like domino bricks, one thing being explained, which then explains one other thing, which then explains another thing and everything just falls into place. And I realised that the reason I’ve felt stuck is because I’ve been stuck in my own rationalizations… instead of just experiencing. And accepting each day as a gift for me to experience. And just not have toxic people in my life, and not have to rationalize why someone’s toxic because some people you can just know when they’re being disingenuous… I just don’t have time for that. But that has nothing to do with accepting people’s flaws. Because God knows that I’ve been toxic too. God knows I’ve made mistakes. We have to accept that none of us are perfect, and we can’t expect others to be. So I’m done passing judgement. We’re all learning as we go, and that’s ok.

We’re gonna be ok! 🙂

This is something I’ve been meaning to talk about for a while but I’ve just haven’t had the energy to put down because the entire subject and all the lies that we’ve been bombarded with month after month since this whole pandemic started is giving me a migraine. But I can’t shut up when it comes to the simplifications and ignorance surrounding the vaccine debate.

Here’s some of the statements made by a few Pfizer scientists that got leaked thanks to the under cover reporting of Project Veritas journalists, you can see the video further down in this entry:

• Nick Karl, Pfizer Scientist: “When somebody is naturally immune — like they got COVID — they probably have more antibodies against the virus…When you actually get the virus, you’re going to start producing antibodies against multiple pieces of the virus…So, your antibodies are probably better at that point than the [COVID] vaccination.”
• Chris Croce, Pfizer Senior Associate Scientist: “You’re protected for longer” if you have natural COVID antibodies compared to the COVID vaccine.
• Croce: “I work for an evil corporation…Our organization is run on COVID money.”
• Rahul Khandke, Pfizer Scientist: “If you have [COVID] antibodies built up, you should be able to prove that you have those built up.”

I’ve always been for vaccines. This whole situation isn’t about vaxx vs. antivaxx. Vaccines are good and we should be thankful to the medical industry for putting out vaccines that saves millions if not billions of lives throughout the years. However… anyone trying to label criticisms against the COVID vaccine, or the mandates as if it equals to being ”anti-vaxx”, run from them. They have no clue what they’re talking about and aren’t ready to ask the hard questions. The right questions.

I’m still for vaccines, and I always will be. But I’m specifically not getting the COVID vaccine, and I have my reasons. And that is my choice, and it doesn’t affect others in the slightest. I stay away from people, I wear the mask at the airport when asked by security, I have no problem with that (even though wearing it within the gates or on the plane makes no sense… why are masks necessary if you HAVE to have a negative test result to fly? What’s the mask for?). I’ll go along with the theater, well aware of it. But I am my own autonomous individual. And I have the right to say ”suck my fucking dick” to anyone who thinks they’re above me.

The third Pfizer scientist, Rahul Khandke, admitted his company demands that its employees keep information from the public.

“We’re bred and taught to be like, ‘vaccine is safer than actually getting COVID.’ Honestly, we had to do so many seminars on this. You have no idea. Like, we have to sit there for hours and hours and listen to like — be like, ‘you cannot talk about this in public,’” Khandke said.

Khandke also signaled that proof of antibodies is on par with proof of vaccination.

“If you have [COVID] antibodies built up, you should be able to prove that you have those built up,” he said.

I also don’t go out of my way to provide every source of information I have for my opinions or conclusions because it is not up to me to lecture people on something they’re too lazy (or simply too busy with life/family/work) to look up for themselves. And doing a few hours of google searching isn’t research. If it were that easy, we wouldn’t be in this situation. For someone to actually open their eyes, regardless of subject, they have to at least start considering the possibility that they’ve been lied to, or that their logic is flawed and DARE to challenge the narrative. But people generally don’t like leaving their comfort zone where they don’t get ostracized by their just as indoctrinated loved ones. So if you’re arguing with someone who labels you as a conspiracy theorist… that’s actually on you. You don’t have to cast them aside. Most people aren’t malicious, they’re just confused. Just, don’t start those arguments at all. When people are ready to listen – when more of this shit comes up and they find it by themselves – they will let you know, one way or another.

Veritas Journalist: “So, I am well-protected [with antibodies]?”
Chris Croce, Pfizer Senior Associate Scientist: “Yeah.”

Veritas Journalist: “Like as much as the vaccine?”

Croce: “Probably more.”

Veritas Journalist: “How so? Like, how much more?”

Croce: “You’re protected most likely for longer since there was a natural response.”

Croce expressed dismay with his company’s direction and moral compass:

Veritas Journalist: “So, what happened to the monoclonal antibody treatments?”

Croce: “[It got] pushed to the side.”

Veritas Journalist: “Why?”

Croce: “Money. It’s disgusting.”

…

Croce: “I still feel like I work for an evil corporation because it comes down to profits in the end. I mean, I’m there to help people, not to make millions and millions of dollars. So, I mean, that’s the moral dilemma.”

Veritas Journalist: “Isn’t it billions and billions?”

Croce: “I’m trying to be nice.”

Veritas Journalist: “No, I hear you. I hear you. I do. I mean, I’ll still give you a hard time about it.”

Croce: “Basically, our organization is run on COVID money now.”

All that being said, if you want the vaccine, go get it. If you’re in a risk group, you probably should. But if you feel like you don’t need it, or want it, that’s entirely up to you.

If you don’t vaccinate, you’re exposing yourself to risk, not others. Don’t let anyone else try to tell you otherwise because it’s simply not true. Who would you expose? The vaccinated? Aren’t they protected? How about the unvaccinated? Isn’t that their responsibility?

While at the same time, let’s say you’re young and healthy and you DO vaccinate, you’re still exposing yourself to risk. They aren’t complication free and the fact that the massmedia doesn’t cover it should tell you enough to at least ask a few questions.

You can’t just follow the science if you’re not also following the money… 🙂

Source: https://www.projectveritas.com/news/pfizer-scientist-your-antibodies-are-probably-better-than-the-vaccination/

About Project Veritas

James O’Keefe established Project Veritas in 2010 as a non-profit journalism enterprise to continue his undercover reporting work. Today, Project Veritas investigates and exposes corruption, dishonesty, self-dealing, waste, fraud, and other misconduct in both public and private institutions to achieve a more ethical and transparent society and to engage in litigation to: protect, defend and expand human and civil rights secured by law, specifically First Amendment rights including promoting the free exchange of ideas in a digital world; combat and defeat censorship of any ideology; promote truthful reporting; and defend freedom of speech and association issues including the right to anonymity. O’Keefe serves as the CEO and Chairman of the Board so that he can continue to lead and teach his fellow journalists, as well as protect and nurture the Project Veritas culture.

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Honestly… I don’t know where to start. There is sooo much to tell, and I’ve been trying to find the right words to describe my experiences in Amsterdam but I just can’t seem to find them. I feel changed in a way. It somehow felt like home. The connection I experienced, with both people and the universe at large was indescribable. Profound and intense I guess would be somewhat close.

Clouds, bananas, vines, drums, laughs, tears, smiles, more smiles, love, oneness, bliss, peace, epiphanies, realizations, home, earth, space, dimensions, purpose, meaning, calling, metamorphosis, changeling, evolution, awakening, life, release, surrender, admire, elevate, inspire…

Life.

I will struggle to come to terms with what all of it means for a long time moving forward. What life means to me. What living means to me. And how I should orient myself in the world. I feel like I opened up the gates to the entire cosmos and just slipped my toe across the threshold.

But one thing is for damn sure. I haven’t smiled this much and felt at ease in a way such as this, in such a short period of time ever before. Everything was just perfect. And I understand now what I have to do. I have to understand. I have to. I have to do something. I have to get out.

This is the first day of the rest of my life 🙂

I keep expecting something to go wrong. That I screw something vital up or I miss something of great importance necessary for me to be able to travel abroad. But today is the day! I’m leaving this country for the first time in 12 years (Åland doesn’t count obviously, it’s basically a Swedish island that belongs to Finland) and I’m just as excited as I’m nervous. I rarely show it outwards, but I guess my nervous neuroticism manifests itself as this hidden aint-gonna-happen-mode I fall into as soon as I’m excited about something. I believe that thinking about it has made me realize that its a mode I’ve been dealing with thoughts like these for as long as I can remember. What does it mean though? Always expecting shit to go wrong, or not happen, especially if it’s something I look forward to. I suspect that it has to do with me learning to settle for disappointment and low expectations. If I already accept and expect that shit will go wrong, it sort of becomes less difficult to get over it. Especially if I already have accepted it. That can turn into a positive surprise over and over again. But it can also set you up for failure and depression. If you always expect things to go wrong, or not happen at all, I don’t see much of a future to look forward to.

All that being said, I truly believe that I will find what I need in the future, even if I don’t necessarily know what that might entail during this moment of writing. So the expectations for my life is high, because my expectations for my future self is high and I intend to make myself proud. However, when it comes to shorter-range planning like trips, events, amicable meetings… in other words, plans for certain happenings in your life that are objectively replaceable (since life itself isn’t), my expectations leave a lot of room in my psyche for marginal error. When shit goes well, it goes well. If it doesn’t, try again next time and usually it goes well. This time, I just really, really hope everything goes well and that tonight, I will end the day documenting my arrival at the Amsterdam airport, carrying nothing but a backpack with emergency rations for three days and spare clothes. Going minimalist af on this trip.

What I have to do before then?

• Go to the clinic and do the antigen test, which is in about an hour
• Get to Arlanda with my antigen result and fill in my health form for travelling
• gtfo of Sweden

And of course… this whole thing hinges upon the result being negative. Also, I’ve spent like 1 400 SEK total on the plane ticked and already rescheduled it once and would like my money to not just go down the drain, lol.

I will be documenting as much as I can. I will also be posting lots on my Instagram. I love taking pictures, and seeing new shit. Hey, maybe that can be my thing? I’ve always wanted to travel and take picture, and make videos, start a YouTube channel. I’ve been thinking about it a lot. But it’s been hard to put something out that even I find interesting when absolutely nothing of interest occurs. This trip, being out of the country for the first time in 12 years but this time all by myself? Now that is something my 9-4 years younger me would love myself for. Because I’ve been meaning to get the hell out of here since like 2012, when I started talking about actually going to Japan, but it never happened. And then COVID-19 had to fuck everything up. Now when the plans seem to creep closer to reality, what are my plans? At least for when the restrictions gets loosened up?

• South Korea
• Japan (Okinawa)
• Indonesia
• Bangladesh
• New Zealand
• The US
• Iceland
• Scotland
• Croatia
• Rome
• Kurdistan
• Abu Dhabi

So as you can see, I do have plans. And I intend to visit at least most of these places. It’s not listen in any kind of prioritized order, but there are priorities (like The US, SK, JP and NZ). And to be honest? I would really like to visit Patong in Thailand again. I was there with my brother and our then-girlfriends, mainly to see how much I remember. We were there for two weeks. We did so much and spent so much time outside that two weeks felt like four. That was 2009. A month after that I went to Turkey with my childhood bro. You know what, I might actually post some of those pictures when I’m posting about my Amsterdam trip when I get back! Now, I gotta scram.

I got a plane to catch 🙂

I’ve been experimenting alot with lucid dreaming throughout my years, which has made the concept of sleep something I on occasion look forward too, for other reasons than rest or tiredness. I’m not there yet, but I’m working on creating another part of my life. That’s where your REAL house is. You just gotta find the key. Then everything you thought you never needed will be found and things will make sense. At least, that would be nice. I believe we can understand ourselves so much better if we learn to understand and control our dreams. Mastering the art of lucid dreaming gives you an unprecedented possibility to actually directly AND consciously talk to your subconscious, while also realizing how much your subconscious affects you despite feeling ”fine”.

There is a movie called Waking Life that deals with this very subject. However, that’s not really what I wanted to talk about right now – despite it being one of my favourite conversational subjects as of late! In the movie, however, there’s a scene discussing the concept of language. I like the scene because I find the entire concept of language fascinating! The fact that some guy from Italy, and another from Sweden or whatever can speak English for example and understand eachother is amazing. And of course I’m not talking about specifically only english per say, but language overall. How two different people who grow up with entirely different ways and words and grammar and cultural expressions, can learn eachothers’ or other languages with completely different grammatical structures and sometimes even different alphabets and letters, and thus be able to communicate? The fact that we as homo sapiens sapiens have that capacity and ability to learn like tens of languages if we put work into it, is absolutely amazing.

They talk a bit about this in Waking Life, what language really is and how all of our understanding towards eachother are all about our subjective associations to words and symbols that we use to represent abstract concepts like anger or love. Because how can we ever be sure about how someone else feels or understands when everything you feel or think about (associate to) the word ”love” is based on your own subjective experiences (or lack there of) about the word and concept itself?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iDGMS_tjRxU

She explains it better. But I was walking downtown the other day and it came to mind when I was going to meet my friend from South Korea, who’s begun learning swedish after having only conversed with me in english. We’re literally from two opposite sides of the world, but we have the capability to meet, converse and share complex thoughts and ideas thanks to the concept of language. This fascinates me.

Language fascinates me! 🙂

This past month has really been something else. I feel like I’ve escaped the grasp of a pool of quicksand. Using my own strength coupled with the aid of people close to me, I’ve managed to not only avoid unnecessary misery, but I’ve managed to create a clear path towards reclaiming the lost aspects of my personality. I’m slowly getting to where I’m meant to be. And I choose to not regret a single moment of anything that has happened. Because Lord knows who I would’ve been and what epiphanies and such I would’ve missed unless I got where I am today. I believe things could’ve gone better. But I also know things could’ve been a hell of a lot worse. And right now, I’m confident. I’m dedicated and excited. I have SO many things planned for when this summer is over.

I have a new apartment that’s getting ready for a move in in August. I have travel plans that I’m aiming to put into motion the coming fall. I have reconnected with old friends, connected with some new yet not totally unfamiliar individuals, and my sense of self-worth has slowly been showing its wretched face again. I’m feeling better.

All I can see right now are opportunities and possibilities. And to actually utilize them I have decided to stay away from anything regarding romantic feelings for about a year. I think I need to be my own company for a while, to find myself back to myself. Who I’ve become. Because I need to first know where I am, to figure out where to go and how to get there.

Just a little quick update. Most of my thinking have been quite internal, hence the lack of posts here. I’ve been meaning to write about stuff, but I’ve had so much going on with both work and stuff that I’m reading. But I won’t neglect this page. Sorry for not making today’s entry more interesting, but I figured it was time for at least a somewhat short update, especially since the last few posts has been so melancholic.

But it is what it is, and it’s getting better 🙂

I somehow happen to distract myself from reality. I piss on the teams I end up with on League. Like usual. I jam to my playlists while cookin’. Per usual. I talk shit and laugh my ass off to Gaki no Tsukai with friends. As usual.

But then it hits me. That sinking feeling. How lonely I feel. And that the one person I’ve been able to call and say I love you too, the one person I could hug, kiss and who loved me back the way she did, despite all my flaws, despite all my mistakes and despite… Everything… I can’t anymore. The one person I depended on to know that I could have that. The one person I’ve told countless things I have never told another soul and probably never will. The one person who taught me to love again. The one person who has inspired me so by the way she’s kept going despite everything she’s had to desl with. And to also remember that I was that very same thing to her. And I just cut it off.

I’m still having trouble loving myself for how much pain the breakup caused her. Or even how much pain I’ve caused myself because of everything. And how I let it affect her.

Suddenly I just remember that she’s not there anymore. And how I fucked up handling it the way I did. I don’t hate myself for ending it with her. I hate myself for how I did it. I can’t change that. I could’ve done it better. Should’ve… It just reminds me of how weak I really am. I may present as strong, hell, in some circumstances I might as well be. But never in my fucking life have the limit to my strength hurt this much.

The way I ended things, how fast it all went, how unjustly I treated the situation is the very thing that makes me fear losing her forever. And reading her notebook just put fuel to the flames.

I just want all of this to end. I just want to be able to forgive myself. But I feel like I can’t. How could I, if she wouldn’t? Since she’s the one I hurt. Would she? Should she? Could I forgive myself even if she did it?

I have had abandonment issues all my life. I’ve always felt out of place in a way. But I keep being reminded of how many I have in my life that genuinely care for me, as I do for them… but when it comes to relationship, she was the only one that I’ve loved this much who also didn’t get sick of me after a couple of years. Who stuck with me. I guess she would probably felt the same way, even though her issues caused her to occasionally doubt her worth, and thus my reasons for staying. I told her that at some point in the future I wanted her to become my wife. And she was looking at rings for fucks sake. I… Fuck I don’t know anymore. I’m just typing… Thinking…

Does it mean we weren’t meant to be? That there is someone out there better for her, who has his shit together? Someone for me? Who will understand her better than I ever did? I always wanted to. It took some time for me to begin to. Ironically, it became easier when I myself started to feel like shit without even realizing it. Which is why people around me saw it way before I did. That I needed to get my shit together. I could read all the self help books in the world, watch every Peterson lecture, study every philosophy, but I still would have to admit to myself why I was doing it. It wasn’t because I was fascinated by the concepts. Even if that’s partly why. It’s because I started feeling lost. Meaningless. And everything I read helped a bit. But it also showed me how much I have to work on. Otherwise I feel like I would’ve cracked long ago and it wouldn’t have been a damn thing Bea could do about it. And it probably would’ve been way worse. So I feel like we we’re fucked anyway.

I don’t blame her for anything. We’ve both had our issues, some worse than others. But she’s good hearted, intelligent, kind, adventerous and spontaneous when not hindered by her social anxiety, filled with empathy, absolutely hilarious and can spot ingenuity from miles away. That’s what I saw and that’s what made me love her. I tried so hard to be the one she needed. I know I didn’t always succeed. But somehow along the way I forgot to be what I needed, despite the fact she kept reminding me.

I feel more organized. I still feel lonely… But I will get through this. But every now and then I get the reminder of what I did. How I handled it. And that sinking feelings comes back…

I read this on an image posted in the Stoicism group page on Facebook with the caption ”The most elusive truth, and core of stoicism”. This is exactly what it is. However, I found that there was one person who commented on it that didn’t quite understand the concept or the purpose of stoicism and tried to somehow make it seem as if stoic practice isn’t attributable to even the absolut worst case scenarios. In fact, that is the whole point! His comment read as below, with my response right beneath it:

”Sounds nice and dandy until you end up persecuted, in a concentration camp with your kids murdered and doing slave labour. That is for me the ultimate test of such ’life wisdoms’. If anything these quotes reek of a life of comparative safety and luxury. Moreover they put tremendous guilt on the one suffering for now his or her suffering is his own fault. Of course, even among survivors of said concentration camps there were some who could manage such stoic attitudes. But most cracked and shattered as did their families. So I read these ’lines of wisdom’ with a smirk. They might apply to regular life events, but that’s where they end. Neither Epictetus or Aurelius could envision what tests were in store for mankind.”– Random Facebook user.

My response:

”These quotes isn’t made to make your life ”all fine and dandy”. They’re to make sure you don’t make an already miserable situation into an even worse hell. Putting the responsibility on you to make your life slightly less worse than it can be, doesn’t negate the fact that others are at fault. However, this is about what you CAN control, and not what you want or need to control. And as soon as we realize we always have control over our own souls and attitudes, a hell can be turned into a slightly less miserable hell, maybe enough that you can endure, survive and eventually thrive where the alternative would be enough despair to give up and lose your life.

Viktor Frankl himself was thrown into not one but several nazi concentration camps, and he both used and learned about the stoic response in the face of absolute adversity. He chronicles this in his best-selling autobiography ”Man’s Search For Meaning.” Highly recommended.

Stoicism isn’t a magical fix-all cure. It’s a philosophy meant to strengthen your attitude in the face of adversity, regardless of who is to blame. Control what you can, endure, and come out a victor! That’s the very core of stoicism.”

UPDATE: He later replied with the following, which made me realize that I may have misinterpreted the meaning behind his critique:

”I understand your point and am familiar with the work of Victor Frankel (and others who have gone through similar experiences) but I believe they are the exception. My point is that stoicism can only exists if there is a space between external reality and the inner realm of thought. The whole idea behind terror, especially in the camps, was to tear down the boundaries between the external and internal realm. To fill a person with horror and continual imminant fear of death. Compare it to room 101 in orwells 1984.In that sense stoic self control can exist by virtue of an absence of terror. Perhaps for some, like Frankl, the defense of the inner realm is more solid than for others, but for most people it will break. That is what the system of torture is designed for. The same goes for people ravaged by sickness and imminant extreme pain. I’ve witnessed it. And since then I came to realize, stoicism exist by virtue of an absence of true immediate horror. That doesn’t diminish its worth and virtue. But it does limits it applicability. ”

Where I replied:

”Absolutely, no one has ever stated that it’s absolute or that it always works for everyone, especially in the most extreme of circumstances. That’s why it’s a philosophy to strive towards, and not a guaranteed fix-all <3 But I get your point 🙂 ”

That being said, I still do not agree with him that those extreme cases are an exception. Everyone can do it. I would consider the exception those who are less able, such as people with C-PTSD or other forms of disadvantages that hinders the level of control or regulation of emotional responses that is needed to put stoic principles into practice.

Do you practice stoicism? Has it helped you in any way? And if so, how?

Also, I would like to take the opportunity to inform everyone reading this blog that I will be writing my posts in english from here onward. Despite being a well-versed swede, I somehow find it easier to express myself formally in english than my own native language. In addition to that, I would like to make my blog a bit more universally reachable. I hope my swedish readers don’t mind! I will be posting a bit more about the current state of affairs in my life and how I’m handling everything that’s been going on this past miserable week. But that will have to wait for now. Till then, I just want to say thank you to everyone who has reached out to me. Suddenly, I didn’t feel so lonely anymore. I’m still somewhat lonely, but not at all in the same magnitude as before.

So from the bottom of my heart – Thank you!

”I am a mother fucking dandelion!! I thrive everywhere and even if you cut me down, I spring forth in 14 other places. I’m not that easy to get rid off!”

What if jag bara got the fuck out of here? Om jag bara fixade mina loose ends och bara drog härifrån. Till typ Nya Zeeland. Eller Texas, i the land of opportunities? En helt ny start. Jag vet inte hur jag ska fortsätta här. Jag vet inte hur det kommer gå. Bara börja om.

Jag kan inte säga att jag inte tänkt på det. Det har jag. Men vågar jag? Skulle jag klara av att lämna folk här? Skulle inte jag känna mig ännu mer ensam, omgiven av främlingar? Men jag är samtidigt så satans trött på Sverige. Eller letar jag efter fel grejer? Har jag ens… jag vet inte. Allt snurrar sönder just nu. Jag vill försöka hålla mig upptagen men inte ens naturen är på min sida just nu. Hade tänkt åka till Sala för att kolla in lägenheten där som min polare har lämnat tom, men det har spöregnat i flera timmar. Jag vaknade i soffan av det. Jag trodde först någon var inne i min lägenhet och prasslade med något, så jävla högt lät det. Oavsett så måste jag säga upp fanskapet så jag inte betalar för den i onödan. Aldrig i livet att jag flyttar dit igen, så ingen idé att ha den. Om jag känner mig ensam här i Gimo, så är den lägenheten definitionen av mitt personliga och psykologiska helvete.

Eller om jag drog ner till Linköping? Linköping är fint. Men vad finns där? Skulle jag ångra mig och bara vilja tillbaka? Göteborg? Finns det NÅGONSTANS där jag inte skulle känna mig ensam? Jag känner mig mest som hemma i Uppsala/Stockholm, men jag kind of resentar området lite. Men det är också häromkring jag har de flesta som bryr sig om mig, och som jag bryr mig om. Skåne är ute ur bilden. Jag har folk där också, men jag mådde aldrig riktigt bra där nere. Kanske för att mina främsta upplevelser av Skåne råkar vara fucking Tomelilla. Jag känner inte att jag har en framtid där.

Hus på landet, hund, familj, vänner att spendera vissa helger med, en kärlek att romantisera, skratta med, uppleva saker med, gråta med, barn att lära om livets frågor, problem och under. Kommer jag någonsin kunna älska någon igen? Kommer jag vara okej med hur jag skött allt? Kommer jag någonsin förlåta mig själv för mina egna fel?

Kommer hon förlåta mig?

Borde hon?

Everybody has a tale that they’re too afraid to tell, you can see it in the cracks in their hands
They can cover it with smiles; if you walk a couple miles in their shoes, then you’ll know where they stand
Everyone who really lived had to climb out of a ditch they were in before they found the right path
If you wanna know the truth about what we’ve been going through, then try to put your phone away so you can ask

We’ve all got problems, and we all feel alone
We’ve all been haunted by the secrets we hold
We could fill our coffins with the rocks they have thrown
Or we could build our castles with the sticks and the stones

Gud, jag hatar det här. Jag kom hem och såg hur sovrummet bara var tomt (det var hennes säng) och allt bara sjönk in. Det slog mig. Fattar fortfarande inte att det är på riktigt. Jag hatar att vara själv. Jag vet liksom var långtidsplanen är, men vad fan ska jag göra under tiden? Jag är helt själv här, haaatar att vara själv, Bea är den enda jag vill prata med men hon vill inte veta av mig för stunden och det får jag acceptera. Jag vill inte vara med någon annan. Och just nu trivs jag inte i mitt eget sällskap. Jag bara hatar hur allt blev, hur jag skötte det. Jag är så arg på mig själv. Allt är bara absolute shit nu och jag vet inte var fan jag ska ta vägen. Jag har ingen här, jag vill inte vara nån annanstans, men jag vill inte vara här heller. Jag vill bara bort. Jag vill inte vara här.

Hur går man vidare efter en sån här sak? Kommer hon någonsin vilja prata med mig igen? Kommer hon vara redo för det? Kommer hon någonsin kunna förlåta mig? Bör jag ens förlåtas? Hur ska jag lära mig älska igen? Hur ska jag sluta gråta? Hur lång tid tar det? Hur kommer första natten hemma själv bli?

Men hon har i alla fall sin familj där hos sig. Hon har sin syster. Hon har sällskap. Det är bra. Så länge jag vet att hon får hjälp så kan jag härda ut. Det är allt jag någonsin brytt mig om. Att hon ska må bra. Och jag vill göra allt jag kan för att det ska bli så lätt som möjligt för alla inblandade, men framförallt henne.

Jag vet inte om det var en sån bra idé för mig att åka hem. Jag har ingen här. Ingen alls. Jag har min dator som inte är så lätt att flytta, men jag är ensam här. Jag vill inte vara ensam! Inte nu!

Jag kan.

Du kan.

Vi kan. Vi kommer gråta. Det kommer göra ont. Det kommer ta tid. Men vi kan.

Vi kan!

Isak, sluta nu… ta en paus idag. Det finns en dag imorgon. Sök de jobb du ska så att du kan göra A-kassan nöjd, och så du har nåt att rapportera nästa månad. På så vis släpper du åtminstone den stressen. Och då får du något att göra. Sen får du också tänka på att Magnus och resten fortfarande älskar dig. Det är som det är. Han vill fortfarande att du jobbar i sommar. Kom ihåg det. De kommer inte bara slänga dig åt sidan. De bryr sig faktiskt. De är bra människor. Du har blivit slängd åt sidan så många gånger. Men både dem och Bea har sagt att jag har en familj där. Sen får det ta tid att läka, men de hatar inte dig. Vissa kanske är arga på dig men de hatar dig inte. De vet att inget av det här var meningen. Så ta det lugnt… fokusera på vad som är viktigt nu. Låt tiden gå. Känn det du känner. Gråt om du känner att du behöver. Gråta frisläpper serotonin tydligen. Det lärde jag mig idag. Det förklarar varför man mår så mycket bättre efteråt. Så fortsätt gråt. Skratta när du känner för det. Prata med folk! Du har vänner. Låt de vara där för dig. Alla menar väl, ingen tycker du är jobbig. De kan tycka situationen är jobbig, men vem skulle inte tycka det. De tycker det för att de bryr sig om dig och vill inte att du ska må skräp. Så uppskatta det du har. Bea kommer nog bli redo så småningom, men låt det ta den tid det tar. Skriv inte till henne. Inte nu. Låt det ta tid. Du säger det jämt till dig själv. Lyssna på dig själv nu för en gångs skull. Det kommer lösa sig. Allt kommer lösa sig.

Allting kommer att lösa sig tillslut, och livet kommer att make sense igen.

Jag lovar.

I never planned for anything to end
Not like this, but I wish that after this you’d want to be my friend, -oh
If you dont, I completely understand
You’ll find your way, one day, you’ll stand, be brave and everything will be okay

You’ve got so much give
With a heart of gold and an angel’s smile
You will find a way to live, but don’t
Forgive me, at least not for a while

Beside you, I saw myself grow old
Now the future’s lost, it’s grey and cold
Without you, I don’t know where I’ll go
But I made my bed and I’ll reap what I sow

I hate this place
I’ve let you down
I promised that I’d be around
It’s gone to shit
But it’s not your fault
Please remember that it’s not your fault.

I never lied
I meant it all
Please remember that it’s not your fault.

But I’m weak
And I couldn’t keep my word
You deserve much more
Than I can give
It’s not your fault.