He got the diagnose just under a week ago. This is the kind of thing that makes me think that nuh-uh… I only have one life. And a chance that life might be shorter thant others, and basically be over a few years before my heart even stops beating. So I cannot afford to not see every day as a gift. And for once in my life actually focus on myself for real and just not so much focus on what people think of me or my decisions. Because let’s face it, you only have the time you have, and your freedom to explore this rock and its wonders. And Marcus, my beloved Husky that I’m getting home in three weeks, will follow me everywhere. So whenever I do get Alzheimers, if ever, I’m just gonna sit and stare at my hexabytes of storage with memories from between 2004 to 2050 and just remind myself that everything is fine and I have no regrets.
But this post isn’t really about that. I’ve already accepted that I’m going to die. We all are. And I’ve accepted my dad’s diagnose, not that it was surprising from the start but… one could still hope, right? That being said, unless it hasn’t been too obvious as of late, I did try psilocybin in Amsterdam about a month ago. A lot of the insights I’ve had about my perspectives around life and what I value in life, especially after everything that’s been happening, and how most of it has actually been my own fault, came from that trip. I have always been interested in its potential therapeutic capabilities, like opening up new perspectives and treating people, especially soldiers with PTSD, or the terminally ill with death anxiety. Never in my life did I suspect that it would change my life this profoundly. This is legit the absolute first time I’m really trying to take care of my own shit, because I’ve always been focused on others. I mean, if everyone else is fine, I’m good. Right? But to actually enjoy one’s own company like this because you’ve finally stopped lying to yourself about what’s ok and what’s not, and treating yourself like you actually gave a fuck? Not about what I want, but what I need?
I have always had a pretty decent self-image, like how I feel about myself as a person. I’ve always been good at rationalizing stuff. But I’ve always had absolute shit confidence. At least not sober. And if you’re good at rationalizing, it’s very easy to manipulate yourself. And a lot of the things I’ve learned about myself lately has made much of it make sense, and that maybe I haven’t been as crazy about certain things in the world as I first might have thought myself to be. Everyone makes mistake, and you learn, accept and move forward. I haven’t talked alot about all of this, but I can definitely say that this year started out as the absolute worst year of my life. Especially the past spring and summer. But after everything that’s happened lately, after finally feeling like I have a direction, a purpose, after my decision to get Marcus and after everyone who has helped me so much that I’ve gained a genuine love for humanities’ potential for goodness after everything I’ve experienced… and what I’ve been able to prove to myself, this year hasn’t only turned into my life’s best, but also my life’s most important. And I’ll do whatever it takes to not have to bend to someone else’s will if they don’t have my best interests at heart, like I’ve done my entire fucking life, and try to make every day count!
I’m still, to this day, processing stuff from my trip. It’s hard to explain… you know when you have like a revelation and four things in your life suddenly make sense? I’ve had like five of those, each explaining their own four scenarios in my life. Like domino bricks, one thing being explained, which then explains one other thing, which then explains another thing and everything just falls into place. And I realised that the reason I’ve felt stuck is because I’ve been stuck in my own rationalizations… instead of just experiencing. And accepting each day as a gift for me to experience. And just not have toxic people in my life, and not have to rationalize why someone’s toxic because some people you can just know when they’re being disingenuous… I just don’t have time for that. But that has nothing to do with accepting people’s flaws. Because God knows that I’ve been toxic too. God knows I’ve made mistakes. We have to accept that none of us are perfect, and we can’t expect others to be. So I’m done passing judgement. We’re all learning as we go, and that’s ok.
We’re gonna be ok! 🙂