I somehow happen to distract myself from reality. I piss on the teams I end up with on League. Like usual. I jam to my playlists while cookin’. Per usual. I talk shit and laugh my ass off to Gaki no Tsukai with friends. As usual.

But then it hits me. That sinking feeling. How lonely I feel. And that the one person I’ve been able to call and say I love you too, the one person I could hug, kiss and who loved me back the way she did, despite all my flaws, despite all my mistakes and despite… Everything… I can’t anymore. The one person I depended on to know that I could have that. The one person I’ve told countless things I have never told another soul and probably never will. The one person who taught me to love again. The one person who has inspired me so by the way she’s kept going despite everything she’s had to desl with. And to also remember that I was that very same thing to her. And I just cut it off.

I’m still having trouble loving myself for how much pain the breakup caused her. Or even how much pain I’ve caused myself because of everything. And how I let it affect her.

Suddenly I just remember that she’s not there anymore. And how I fucked up handling it the way I did. I don’t hate myself for ending it with her. I hate myself for how I did it. I can’t change that. I could’ve done it better. Should’ve… It just reminds me of how weak I really am. I may present as strong, hell, in some circumstances I might as well be. But never in my fucking life have the limit to my strength hurt this much.

The way I ended things, how fast it all went, how unjustly I treated the situation is the very thing that makes me fear losing her forever. And reading her notebook just put fuel to the flames.

I just want all of this to end. I just want to be able to forgive myself. But I feel like I can’t. How could I, if she wouldn’t? Since she’s the one I hurt. Would she? Should she? Could I forgive myself even if she did it?

I have had abandonment issues all my life. I’ve always felt out of place in a way. But I keep being reminded of how many I have in my life that genuinely care for me, as I do for them… but when it comes to relationship, she was the only one that I’ve loved this much who also didn’t get sick of me after a couple of years. Who stuck with me. I guess she would probably felt the same way, even though her issues caused her to occasionally doubt her worth, and thus my reasons for staying. I told her that at some point in the future I wanted her to become my wife. And she was looking at rings for fucks sake. I… Fuck I don’t know anymore. I’m just typing… Thinking…

Does it mean we weren’t meant to be? That there is someone out there better for her, who has his shit together? Someone for me? Who will understand her better than I ever did? I always wanted to. It took some time for me to begin to. Ironically, it became easier when I myself started to feel like shit without even realizing it. Which is why people around me saw it way before I did. That I needed to get my shit together. I could read all the self help books in the world, watch every Peterson lecture, study every philosophy, but I still would have to admit to myself why I was doing it. It wasn’t because I was fascinated by the concepts. Even if that’s partly why. It’s because I started feeling lost. Meaningless. And everything I read helped a bit. But it also showed me how much I have to work on. Otherwise I feel like I would’ve cracked long ago and it wouldn’t have been a damn thing Bea could do about it. And it probably would’ve been way worse. So I feel like we we’re fucked anyway.

I don’t blame her for anything. We’ve both had our issues, some worse than others. But she’s good hearted, intelligent, kind, adventerous and spontaneous when not hindered by her social anxiety, filled with empathy, absolutely hilarious and can spot ingenuity from miles away. That’s what I saw and that’s what made me love her. I tried so hard to be the one she needed. I know I didn’t always succeed. But somehow along the way I forgot to be what I needed, despite the fact she kept reminding me.

I feel more organized. I still feel lonely… But I will get through this. But every now and then I get the reminder of what I did. How I handled it. And that sinking feelings comes back…